I've heard dozens of "pundits" taking up hundreds of hours of prime time ad space telling us all that bin Laden's goal is to kill "4,000,000 Americans". If that's true...all I can say is..Bin Laden's a "big PUSSY!". As a Good Christian...Jerry Falwell's target list ran into the "thousands of millions!". (oops...somebody did a little "pre-emptive strike"on Falwell). In fact, bin Laden..and all the "LionKing's" horses and "LionKing's" men...couldn't hold a FREAKING candle to what the "apostolics" want to do to the planet, again. (Forgive me father, for I have blessed!) Partial Earth Abortion.
My suggestion for "weapon" of choice is in fact the "massive electromagnetic pulse" weapon at Brookhaven National Labs, in Upton, New York. In fact, the Christian "right wing" are funding the installations of dozens of these "research" weponas...all around the world. In California, Canada, France, Spain and many other nations. When the end times come...somebody in Deutchse Bank just needs to push one button...and "all the unfaithful" will vaporize!
That's going to be my new web site..."Billions For Jesus"...! Where the HELL is James Warren Jones (aka..the French Guyana cyanide-koolaid chef) when you need to kill BILLIONS and Billions of People. I mean, really! If you are a right wing conservative..every word of the Bible believin (like zorro once was!)....four square...four corner...anti-female...prayer grouping "faither-of-fathers"...you need to start thinking about the "End Times" in practical terms.
In fact, I can't think of a better use of time for ALL Christians than thinking, planning and fantasizing about our place in the "Jesus of Nazareth, All Lamb & Slaughter House Army Of Salvation" and "Personal Black-Angel Guardians"...of the Revelation.
Think about the billions of tons of "human flesh". Do you think Jesus is going to get out a Broom and clean it up. Is that why you're going to be "raptured"? I mean...we've really got to get our "hands" around managing God's slaughter of the unfaithful. What will happen to the all "Gold Teeth!".
I mean, what if Jesus misses and we end up with hundreds of millions of "injured". Won't Jesus and Pat Robertson have to get together an army of Professional "Finishers"? What about Garner Ted Armstrong's son? What about Jimmmmmminy Crickett Baker? (the "ex" of the "late" Tammy Faye Baker") What role will Billy Gray-Ham play? Will Larry Craig be on Jesus' "left hand" ..his "right hand"...or his is Jesus "am-BI-dextrous"...which means he can "enjoy life" to either side of the "stall"!
Seriously, who's going to "finish" off all the wounded that Jesus and his "minions" "just graze or wounds"? What if "jesus" completely misses..,.won't somebody have to go "vet" the "surivivors" because none of us can be sure if Jesus missed or if they were actuallly "faithful"...! Very tough call!
In archaic times, the "King" of Lower (?) Egypt was the Primary "Finisher". Why? Because ONLY the King "Knew the names of his enemies"...and only the "King" could kill a "neighbor" and not pollute the "Dark Land"...as Egypt once called itself. How? Because only the "king" could "convert" a "neigbhor lord" into an "enemy"...and only an "enemy" could be "illimiated" without incurring the wrath of Egpyt's Lord! (Do you know who claimed to be the ancient God of the Egyptian people?) (read your bible!--the story of Coat of Many Colors)
King Narner"...had many "titles"...one of his titles was "Finisher". At the end of the "battle"...the "king" was expected to personally dispatch the "wounded" by a "single" blow from his "sacred mace". Once a "victim" was "Maced"...his soul was released and he went to heaven. the "King" sent the "enemy" to heaven. Who was defined as "the enemy"...oh...anyone that wasn't the King! Maybe "dick" Cheney can be Christ's "designate finisher by proxy"....Jesus already took "dick's heart"....!
Maybe Jesus is planning to designate all 100,000 of "us" survivors as "Designated Finishers"! Hey! Zorro's "left handed"...that's not fair! . I don't know if you get my drift! ...but do you think Pat Robertson even has a "sacred Mace"? Then again, maybe his "namby pamby" praying pasty-faced huckster son...can just strangle the 200,000,000 or so odd "survivors" with he bare hands.
Don't think of the Armageddon as "death"...just think of it as "Partial Earth Abortion".
Then "Pat Robertson" stood up and speaketh:
"zorro, get in behind me zorro. For you blaspheme the name of our holy slaughter-man...Jesus..the "white hot electromagnetic sun of God"..shall surely vaporize all non-believers in the "invisible plasma electromagnetic radiation wave". Thus, LOOW, i pray, my lame-ass-wannabee-huckabee son won't have to kill or get his "hands" dirty with the blood of non-believers'.
Funny! I remember reading the bible. Can you imagine how deep the Blood Will RUN on the Earth? Not to mention the 5.5 TRILLION FEET OF INTESTINES! That's right! After Armageddon...we'll have enough Human intestines fouling the planet to go to the "moon & back" 202 times! 1,000 times around the earth!
If you are a pragmatic christian mathematician...6,888,888,888 People X 75 feet of intestine per human = 245 BILLION FEETof intestine which is 24 MILLIONS MILES...divided by 225,000 Miles for each way to the "moon" comes to intestines hung from New York to where the Eagle Hath Landed..202 times!
(Wouldn't it be awesome if it came out to 666 trips around the world?)
"My sweet breads Lord? (who gets the "rocky-mountain oysters!..ooh, ooh, ooh....me! me! me!" panted Jimmy 'Swaggart'.)
Will the corrupted bodies "rot"... who cares. I just want to be sure that Right Wingers can aim their "Magnetic Weapons" accurately. That way there will be no "carnage".. Just one "quiet" POOF! You know, if I was arab or Baptists..I'd have to be concerned!
No more, "Pie In the Sky Jesus Filling"..for us Chrisitians. No siree, Bob Fossett! Let's start really getting this "Armageddon Ball Rolling". So, we need an "Armageddon, How to Kill Your Neighbor Committee Chair..."
ANyohe? Oh, I nominate "Lynn Cheney"....Dick "Of America's" wife! She'd make the "perfect" Chair person to help us murder all the less fortunate people of the earth! She's already got a GREAT start! Isn't that what the Council on Foreign Relations does...! She's a member, you know. So is Bill Clinton/Blythe. Don't they "end poverty" by sending in the us military to seize the oil revenues?
Here's the script for Lynne "Bitch of America" Cheney's acceptance speech for being nominated Chair Person of the "Armageddon-Neighbor-Kill Society of America". (AN-KSA)
"My fellow "faithful survivors".
"You don't know, what an honor it is to stand before this select group of elitist, exclusivist, outcalled faithful...who are willing to sacrifice every principal of humanity, fair play, justice and honor, decency for their Religion". (Not to be confused with the Jewish Mossad!)
"When the 333.33 Foot Tall Jesus 1st came to me in a dream...he told me that I must accept this honor..despite the fact that I had hoped and prayed to be on the "weapons" committee for the Partial Earth Abortion organization. That way, Dick and I...could sort of "ease" into the "post-Armageddon" period with a massive "Cash-profit" rebound."
Although the "Heartless Dick" and I have weathered much criticism for not "sharing the wealth", we're just not sure that's what 333.33 foot tall Jesus wants us to do. Besides, if he had wanted everyone to share the earth, he wouldn't have returned and asked us to kill everyone..now would he? No, I don't think Jesus is about "sharing with people who aren't like us"!
"In fact, Jesus really isn't a "politically correct" God at all. He's just "correct". (giggles in the audience that is now standing in vast pools of blood!)
"Yes, Dick & I, will be remodeling the world according to Jesus' new "Architectural Model" of Christian Archetypes. Which I might add looks amazingly simliar to that of modern Berlin. Apparently, even Hitler's "swastika" was a Christian symbol and none of us ever suspected it
Soon, my husband "Heartless Dick" and I will be providing all the funding for Jesus' new post-Armageddon "kingdom on Earth...because of course, "Dick's new company, HELLI-BURTON ON EARTH, is the primary contractor for the "US Army Corpse Engineers" and NOBODY clears bodies or builds dikes to hold back the blood or Ports to load bodies into ships to dump into the deep or Churches to "congratulate ourselves" and Dykes...like Dick & I. But, I digress in my degrees."
"I know, many of you are wondering whether our "Dyke" daughter survived the Armageddon. Well, let's put it this way. We didn't really expect her to. We wanted the best for her...but she made her own "choice". And, as Jesus said many times in the "old testament" (are you people, listening?), it's better to die for "loving" people than hating them."
"So, thank you again for the honor...especially because I realize that there are some in our number who are extremely concerned about the "rectitude of our intentions" in praying for the destruction of the entire planet except us."
"Well, as the "chair" I want to reassure you that Christ will ONLY destory the "Less Fortunate", the Gays, the Lesbians, Communists, Socialists, Italians, Jews, Puerto Ricans, Mexicans, Guatemalans, Brazilians, Kentuckians, Idahoans, Mormons (thank you, jesus!!!!). We, meaning you and I, certainly have nothing to worry about. In fact, Jesus came to me in a dream just last night."
"I had a dream, Jesus had grown from 333.33 feet in height to 400.07 feet in height. His mouth was open as wide as a month of days, and he said to me... know this..."Dear Sweet Lynne Cheney"...."When I return...YOU AND YOU ALONE SHALL BE QUEEN OF THE EARTH! Queen of Heaven! Queen of the Non-Dead! Your Honors shall be multiplied for your loyalty.
"You shall speak for me and tell the survivors that when I return..there will be no more suffering from disease...because I will have destroy everyone with a disease..leaving only 100,000 perfectly, proper, white Mary-Poppins/Amelia Marcos/Eva Peron type people to rule my kingdom. You know, what I mean...Queen Cheney..the kind of go-getter, screw everyone females with money..just like you!"
Jesus wouldn't SHUT-UP...I swear, I couldn't get a word in "cross-wise". (Nervous giggles in the crowd as pools of blood continued to rise deeper, now near the reins of the White Horse in their midst)
"When I return, there will be no doubt remaining in the hearts or minds of any survivors ...because I will destroy all those who are bright enough to have doubts. When I return, all will be rich..because I will destroy ALL the poor, and all the heavy laden. I will destroy ALL the earth! Because, as I have told Pat Robertson...time after time, after time "poor people are wicked! diseased! non-believers!" By the way, Pat Robertson was a close second for Chair Person. But he had some qualms to the idea of Partial Earth Abortion..so I went with Lynne because she has no qualms, whatsover. WHAT a Christian soldier she is, marching off as if to war!"
"When I return, there will be no illness for I will have killed all the sick people! You won't need "doctors" or lawyers or military men... they will all be dead."
"So, when I woke up...I couldn't wait to announce that Jesus is going to destroy all the "Dirtly Little Mexican Illegal People". In the future, the United States of Queen Elizabeth and Dick Cheney will enjoy 100% employment. The Armageddon is the "Final Solution" for the "Final Slutions" for ALL minorities on earth"...including "Democrats"!
"well, let's be frank! The Armageddon is Jesus' FINAL SOLUTION for all ethnic minorities on earth. There will be only ONE minority left! US! Just you and I...and I have a surprise for us, as well. Jesus promised NOT to destroy the GOLD or the Silver or the Diamonds. Just think, after all this blood is cleaned up...we'll be rich! Just like our "late leader" George W Bush once said on viewing the destruction of the World Trade Centers..."We Hit the Trifecta">!!!
"Thank you! and good night'"
As Mrs. "Bitch Slap" of America Cheney, descended from the dais...a small crippled 12 year old orphan girl from Sioux City Iowa with a cleft lip spoke up in a soft voice, moving from stage left to touch the hem of "Bitch" Cheney's skirt.
(Little Girl) "ms..cheney, maam...please?"
Startled, Bitch Cheney...looked down to see who had dared to touch the hem of her designer garment, she just bought at "Cleve's for 25,000..just for the occasion..and thus sayeth she...
(Bitch Cheney) "who's that...what do you want...you little girl from the left world!"?
(Little Girl) "mam, my name is Solomona...and i just want to know if jesus is going to cut me in half. It seems Jesus has given my little town, Sioux City,a great honor by destroying it first, before all other towns in Iowa."
Bitch Cheney threw her head back and laughed the "Bitch Laugh", with Haughty Pride and Nose at a 40.07 angle..and replied...with a massively reassuring yet utterly condescending smile.
(Bitch Cheney) "Why, sweetheart...of course Jesus is going to kill you...in fact...i promise, you'll be his first one. And, I'm not surprised he chose Iowa..because of all those dirty little Indian boys and girls who don't have any souls, at all".
(Solomona) "Oh, thank you ms. cheney....i'd hoped and dreamed about this..and prayed"
(Bitch Cheney) "You've been praying that Jesus kill you 1st? Is that right? Why?"
(Solomona) "Because, I know, I'm no good. I'm all broken...and have HIV because I can't get cured because I don't have enough faith. That's what Pat Robertson said and Jerry Falwell and your husband. Look at you..you have faith and you're so perfect...so rich! I just love you! So, I think that if Jesus kills me..then my mother will have a little better chance of being one of the 100,000 that he saves....! If i go, I don't mind if my mother gets to live forever."
(Bitch Cheney)..."how, positively dramatic of you dear...but I'm sure that's not going to happen. My CHRIST WILL never FORCE ME TO SHARE THE kINGdoom OF gOD WITH A DRUG ADDICTED, hiv INFECTED sINGLE MOTHER from Iowa. After all, thank GOD, he's not forcing me to share Christ's bounty with my own faggot daughter. Now are there any more questions...?
(Bitch Cheney) "Yes, you in the dark gray beard, tonsured hair, black Spanish hat...Lone Ranger mask and piercing lapis royal blue eyes, ..what's your name tag say?"
(Zorro) "Zorro...mam. My name is zorro...";
(Bitch Cheney) "Zorro! Is that American? Why are you here? What is your question"?
(Zorro) "Ms. Cheney...were you aware that Jesus has personally selected Zorro, from among all on Earth, to provide the Kingdom of God with the service of "Ass Shover"?
(Bitch Cheney) "No. Mr. zorro, or whatever your real name is...I can't imagine why Christ would EVER be associated with someone who says "ass shove" in public. Can you be more illuminating on your question."
(Zorro) "Well, I'd like to point out the irony of your concern. You appear to be more offended by human anatomy than the human blood now flowing around your Prada pumps!"
(Bitch Cheney) "OK, I understand what you are saying..do you have a question", she said as she marveled that God didn't strike Zorro much sooner.
(Zorro) "Ok, sure. I wanted to let you know that Jesus has personally commanded me to shove the fat, lard asses of rich and powerful, men and women, through the eye of this "needle" I'm holding between my thumb and right forefinger."
"Ms. Cheney, from here, it looks like you're going to have to lose some "carat-weight" before Jesus will let you into heaven. In fact, Mrs. Cheney, it appears even your "ass crack" is too rich to pass the test! Maybe try some more Pilates...you remember.."Pilates"...it's not just an exercize regime, he condemned Jesus to death".
"Second, as a follow-up question,...I thought the "kingdom" of God was spelled with a "dom"...not a "doom"!
(Bitch Cheney) "Well, zorro, I think we need to keep our focus on the task at hand and not get distracted by thoughts or logic or hair splitting or philosophy or petty disagreements or "legalisms". Let's pray for Jesus to return to kill everybody except 100,000! You need to start getting serious about "YOUR PERSONAL ROLE IN ARMAGEDDON!? Or do you think you''re just going to stand "idly rich" by and watch the Blood bath of Righteousness?
("Mark" my words, please make my Blood Bath.."Luke" Warm. He's my favorite "Ghost Spell" person. I do so much despite "Hot" Blood Baths!)
If you call yourself a Christian and believe with all your heart in the "100,000" will survive and be taken to heave to rule...then you have to believe that Christ will destroy all the "unfortunate"! If on the other hand, you believe that Christ would NEVER destroy the "orphans and the sick"...then you better start KISSING YOUR ASS GOOD BYE!..because I would humbly point out that there are about 11,000,000 orphans world wide and only ONE of YOU! Odds are, you're not going to make it.
I forget who the hero was that eventually destroyed the "Spanish/Catholic" Inquisition...who's goal it was to kill virtually every human in Europe that wouldn't be forced to convert to Viking-Horned-Head-Catholicism. I'm struggling with my memory on the name...but it really doesn't matter..
The great insanity and lies of the "Inquisition" came to an end when a Lone Voice...dared to utter the words..."I CHALLENGE YOU"...in an open Court room somewhere in Madrid Spain..in about 1599.
One lone voice! That's all it took, at the right place and the right time. One LONE Voice to stand up to Senator Richard Milhouse Nixon and Senator Mc Carthy, during the House Unamerican Activities Committee, who were determined to destroy everything that America stood for...to ferrett out a single pathetic communist!
Change NEVER comes from those who are committed to the Status Quo and NO ONE on Earth is more committed to the Status Quo or bought and paid for than a US Senator.
The Three little words that has saved the world a thousand times over...Hypatia uttered them..before the Courts of Alexander...to stop the Greek ruler from enslaving all of Egypt...Hypatia uttered..."I challenge you"!
Galileo uttered the same words, when he tried to prove the Earth does NOT stand still. Science, politics and religion are "human endeavors" all are subject to error. "I challenge you"...were the words that Galileo Gaililee uttered in his defense to stop "insanity as a world view".
"I challenge YOU" were the three little words that Martin Luther uttered, in his address to the Catholic Diocese..challenging the ultimate authority of the Pope in allowing "rich" people to buy their way out of "Hell".
Just 3 little words! "I CHALLENGE YOU"! ended it all. It's probably beyond the scope of this meme to explain the ancient Roman trial procedures and Catholic Canon Law...but suffice it to say...it was just those three words...that stopped it .
Would that I could "I CHALLENGE THEM!'
http://www.adherents.com/adh_rb.html#International
Religious BodyNumber of Adherents
Catholic Church**
1,100,000,000
Sunni Islam*
1,000,000,000
Eastern Orthodox Church*
225,000,000
Tariqa Tijaniyya
120,000,000 (uncorroborated)
-->
Jinja Honcho*
83,000,000
Anglican Communion*
77,000,000
Assemblies of God*
50,000,000
Ethiopian Orthodox Church
35,000,000
Evangelische Kirche in Deutschland (EKD)*
27,400,000
Iglesia ni Cristo (based in the Philippines)
27,000,000
Sikhism
23,000,000
Juche (North Korea)
19,000,000
Seventh-day Adventist Church
16,811,519
Jehovah's Witnesses**
16,500,000
Southern Baptist Convention*
16,000,000
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
12,275,822
United Methodist Church*
11,708,887
Soka Gakkai
11,000,000
New Apostolic Church
10,260,000
Ahmadiyya *
10,000,000
Veerashaivas (Lingayats)
10,000,000
Coptic Orthodox
10,000,000
Sathya Sai Baba
10,000,000
Church of Uganda
8,000,000
Choge Buddhism
8,000,000
Church of Sweden
7,143,292
Church of God in Christ
6,500,000
Kimbanguist Church
6,500,000
Bahai World Faith
6,000,000
Universal Church of the Kingdom of God
(Igreja Universal do Reino de Deus)
6,000,000
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America
5,500,000
China Christian Council
5,000,000
Rissho Koseikai
5,000,000
Swaminarayanism
5,000,000
Aglipayan Church
4,500,000
Evangelical Lutheran Church of Finland
4,400,000
Evangelical Lutheran Church in Denmark
4,350,000
Church of God (Cleveland, Tennessee)
4,000,000
Kale Heywet (SIM, Ethiopia)
4,000,000
Church of Norway (Evangelical Lutheran)
3,850,000
Church of South India
3,800,000
Armenian Apostolic Church
3,500,000
Christian Congregation (Brazil)
3,120,000
National Baptist Convention of America
3,106,000
"God is Love" Pentecostal Church (Igreja Pentecostal "Deus e Amo")
3,000,000
Zion Christian Church (South Africa)
3,000,000
Cao Dai
3,000,000
Ch'ondogyo
3,000,000
Church of the Lord Aladura
3,000,000
Reiyukai
3,000,000
United Church of Canada
3,000,000
International Church of the Foursquare Gospel
2,863,232
Balinese Hinduism
2,800,000
Christian and Missionary Alliance
2,644,296
Netherlands Reformed Church (NHK)
2,600,000
One source says "Protestan Church in Indonesia (Reformed) is the largest church in country, with HKBP second
Protestant Church in Indonesia (Reformed) (Indonesia)
???
The figure here is from the World Lutheran Federation: 1,559,478
Protestant Christian Batak Church (Huria Kristen Batak Protestan -- HKBP, Indonesia)
1,559,478
http://www.google.com/search?q=cache:29472966&dq=cache:www.elca.org/dgm/... Second in size only to the Protestant Church in Indonesia (Reformed), the HKBP, as it is commonly called, in 1930 became the first major independent and self-governing church body in the then Dutch East Indies. -->
Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod
2,582,440
Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.)
2,560,201
Protestant Christian Batak Church
(Huria Kristen Batak Protestan -- HKBP, Indonesia)
2,500,000
Methodist Church (South Africa)
2,500,000
-->
Evangelical Churches of West Africa
2,500,000
Progressive National Baptist Convention
2,500,000
Tenrikyo
2,350,000
United Pentecostal Church International
2,300,000
Evangelical Lutheran Church in Tanzania
2,200,000
Presbyterian Church of Korea (Haptong)
2,094,338
Africa Inland Church (Kenya)
2,000,000
Brazil for Christ
2,000,000
Churches of Christ
2,000,000
Church of Jesus Christ in Madagascar
2,000,000
Syrian Orthodox Church ("Jacobite")
2,000,000
Radhasoami
2,000,000
United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism
2,000,000
True (Old Calendar) Orthodox Church of Greece
2,000,000
Reformed Church in Hungary
2,000,000
American Muslim Society
2,000,000
Presbyterian Church of Korea (Tonghap)
1,660,248
Council of Baptist Churches of NE India
1,630,000
Ethiopian Evangelical Church Mekane Yesus
1,625,994
Baptist Bible Fellowship International
1,600,000
Salvation Army
1,500,000
already included elsewhere?
Methodist Church of Nigeria
1,500,000
-->
Myanmar Baptist Convention
1,500,000
Malagasy Lutheran Church (Madagascar)
1,500,000
American Baptist Churches in the U.S.A.
1,455,855
Brazilian Baptist Convention
1,440,000
Dutch Reformed Church (NGK; South Africa)
1,403,180
Alawi
1,400,000
Council of Evangelical Methodist Churches
of Latin America and the Caribbean
1,400,000
Uniting Church in Australia
1,386,000
United Church of Christ
1,377,320
Christ Apostolic Church (Nigeria)
1,300,000
Union of American Hebrew Congregations (Reform)
1,300,000
Pentecostal Church of Indonesia
1,280,000
African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church
1,252,369
Church of Central Africa, Presbyterian (CCAP; Malawi)
1,250,000
Nigerian Baptist Convention
1,250,000
Church of the Nazarene
1,216,657
African Methodist Episcopal Church
1,200,000
Divine Light Mission
1,200,000
Church of God Miss. Intl. (Nigeria)
1,200,000
British Methodist Church
1,200,000
Church of North India
1,125,000
Christian Churches and Churches of Christ
1,070,000
Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)
1,043,943
United Orthodox Jewish Congregation of America
1,043,943
Lott Carey Baptist Foreign Mission Convention, USA
1,050,000
Evangelical Church of the Lutheran Confession in Brazil
1,000,000
ISKCON
1,000,000
Syrian Orthodox Church of Malabar (Mar Thoma)
1,000,000
National Primitive Baptist Convention of the U.S.A.
1,000,000
Pentecostal Assemblies of the World
1,000,000
PL Kyodan
1,000,000
Sekai Kyuseikyo
1,000,000
Church of Christ in Nigeria
1,000,000
Unity Church
1,000,000
Igreja Evangelica Pentecostal (Brazil)
1,000,000
Church of Scotland
1,000,000
Sukyo Mahikari
1,000,000
When you people finally wake up...give me a call! I'd love to hear from you.
zorro!
k375409
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